My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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