I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
