wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
