Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
