3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
