My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
