It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There was a lot of him and a little penis
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
