I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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