Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
