the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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