I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
