People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
