Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
