I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
