She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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