Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My ATM looks so different sober.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
