planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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