for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
