That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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