Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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