I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
