when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
