When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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