my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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