i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
