I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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