addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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