I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
