Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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