you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
