I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
my poor anus
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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