I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
