I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
