I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
