Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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