Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
