god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
