There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
