you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just cropdusted the office
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
