I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
