If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize