Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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