Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The Olympian is in my bed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
