I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
