Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize