She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize