dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
