I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
