Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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