i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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