She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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