how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize