I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
