I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
