There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
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He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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