I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
