I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
